The Wedding

Surreal wasn’t the word for it, or maybe it was, maybe it was exactly the word for it. Here I was in a very funky Moscow hotel being frisked by a surly Russian security guard with a gun bigger than my flat,(and that's not a euphemism). I was the guest of the soon-to-be wife of the president of Russia who was also just happened to be one of my best friends. And it was all my fault, well not all, but mostly.

I think it was 6^th June 2013 when the President announced on Russian TV that he was divorcing his wife. It wasn’t a story I was particularly interested in but my friend Gina excitedly sent me a Facebook message with a link to the clip. She’d been mad about Putin ever since I’d known her, I’d honestly thought it was a joke at first but she really did have the hots for him the news that he was single was really exciting for her.

‘Why don’t you email him.’ I replied, you’re single, he’s single, you never know.

Of course she didn’t want to, thought it was stupid. I was persistent, even writing the text for her but she told me I was being silly and I the end I let it lie.

Six months later she popped up on Facebook again with some big news. And promptly told me she was getting married and she wanted me to be there.

That news came as a bit of a shock to me, I knew she’d been seeing some bloke on the internet but I didn’t think they’d ever met in the flesh.

‘Who to.’ I typed.

‘Vladimir.’

‘Vladimir who?’

‘Putin.’ she typed with a winking emoticon.

Of course I didn’t believe her but she insisted.

‘I couldn’t tell you cos of the security, but we’ve been together since I sent that email you wrote for me.’

‘Fuck off.’ It wasn’t original or clever but it was all I could think of saying.

‘I’m serious,’ she typed, ‘you’ll see when the invite arrives. It’s going to be in Moscow next week but Vladi will organise everything including all the expenses, so don’t worry. He’s looking forward to meeting the man who put us together.’

‘Vladi? You call one of the most powerful men in the world Vladi?’

‘Oh I call him worse than that’ she wrote with a lol. 

Two days later an email arrived with the wedding invite, the next day a car arrived outside my house to take me to the Russian embassy where I was served lobster and champagne while minions sorted out my visa. Then I found myself flying first class to Moscow and today I stand here looking at a short man fiddling with his cufflinks nervously while my beautiful friend walks down the aisle.  So yes I think surreal is probably the word for it.