Christmas Songs - A Steve Rant

‘You know what I’ve realised,’ Steve said to Johnny as they settled down for their traditional Christmas morning pint.

‘No,’ said Johnny, ‘but I’m sure you’re gonna tell me.’

‘I’ve realised that Christmas songs are all a bit nasty, there’s intolerance, bullying, bribery, adultery, everything.’

‘What are you talking about Steve?’ Johnny voice betrayed his lack of patience, are you going to give me that white Christmas is racist nonsense again?’

‘No, not that one all of them, take Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer for example, the other reindeer are bastards. They won’t play with Rudolf just because he looks different, what kind of message is that to be sending out to kids?’

‘But it all turns out well in the end?’

‘But that doesn’t excuse racist behaviour does it? You can’t exclude someone and then include them cos they suddenly do something good. And then Wish You a Merry Christmas, imagine those carol singers turning up at your door and demanding figgy pudding and saying you won’t leave until you have some. They’re bloody bullies.’

‘Yeah that is a weird song I take your point on that one.’

‘Then Santa Claus is Coming to Town, is just bribery, don’t pout, be good, or else Santa doesn't come and, I Saw Mummy Kissing Santa Claus, suggests adultery doesn’t?’ Steve leaned back allowing Johnny to have his say.

‘Well, the Santa thing is just modern parenting isn’t it? That’s all about blackmail and as for Mummy and Santa, well I thought that kinda suggested Santa was just Daddy in costume.’

‘Ah ha ha,’ said Steve ’so it’s kinky then? Whichever way you look at it, it is not the message we want to be giving to kids is it?’

‘You’re incorrigible,’ Johnny shook his head, ‘it’s Christmas, Steve, let it go.’

Steve smiled and got up to get them one more beer before they went home to their turkeys.