Tuesday 28 October 2014

My Dad’s Take Over 2 - OH NO THEY DIDN’T - OH YES THEY DID!


For the time while  I am away on my holidays I havegiven the keys of my blog to my dad - Peter Davies. I hope he takes good careof it. I know he will. This is the second story in my dad’s takeover week.

It was coming up to Christmas and excitementwas rife at Woodworm Scrubs High Security Prison. The prisoners were excitedabout the Prison Pantomime in general and, in particular, about the prospect ofseeing a Principal Boy – female of course – in fishnet tights. The frissonamong the staff was of a different order – how to end up with the same numberof dangerous prisoners at the end of the Panto as at the beginning.
Peggington-Browne, the Governor, was especiallyon edge wishing he’d never suggested a wretched pantomime in the first placeand certainly regretting he had ever arranged for the Good Queen Bethnal Greenand Hackneyed Wick Dramatic Society to strut their stuff. The influx of 40 orso thespians plus the accompanying disruption to the prison routine surelymeant that some enterprising lag would disappear – probably t’phone the prisonfrom Rio on Christmas Day in order to blow the Governor a loud raspberry.
Chief Officer Brasket came to attention with athud an inch from Peggington-Browne’s desk. Despite his vision being totallyobliterated by his peaked cap, Brasket looked straight ahead.
‘The coach’ave arrived, SIR!’
Peggington-Browne winced. ‘Right Chief’ he said‘get the chaps into the hall. Are your officers in place?’
To foil any escape plans, it had been decidedthat the warders would sit below the stage facing the audience, hence everyprisoner would be under total surveillance until the end of the performancewhereupon they would be ‘banged up’ for the night – a foolproof plan.
The pantomime was a huge success. Therewere  few difficult moments, naturally.Like when Dai ‘Crusher’ Protheroe was invited to kiss the Princess and choseinstead to kiss her mother-in-law, played by a rather swarthy gentleman actor.Like when the Principal Boy said ‘Up on the stage anyone who wants a littlecuddle’. Like when the warders, still resolutely facing the audience, panickedwhen the Dame yelled ‘He’s behind you!’
However, following the third standing ovation,the prisoners filed quietly back to their cells and, later, Peggington-Browne,having waved goodbye to a coachload of self-satisfied thespians, relaxedcontentedly with a whisky in his office with ‘The good Ship sails on theAlly-Ally-O’ still resounding pleasantly in his ears.
Suddenly Chief Officer Brasket burst in.

‘We ‘ave bin burgled, Sir’ he shouted, ‘thosearty-farty b......... ‘ave cleaned out the food store, ‘ave took all the ClassA drugs and ‘ave even took that modern hart thing David ‘ockney drew in theChapel – iss worth a million, that!’
An hour later Peggington-Browne stooddejectedly in his office with the head of the local CID and Chief OfficerBrasket.
‘Just one last question, Sir, out of idlecuriosity’ said the CID man, ‘what pantomime was the group performing?’
‘Tell him, Brasket’ said Peggington-Brownewearily, ‘I’m going to bed’.
Brasket, fully composed once more, came toattention with a thud and looked blindly ahead.

‘Al Baba and the Forty Thieves – SIR!’

Peter Davies

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