It's not the Messiah - a Steve Rant

‘I sometimes wonder what the world’s coming to,’ Steve said taking a swig of his beer.

‘You always wonder what the world ‘s coming to.’ Johnny replied, mirroring his friend’s actions.

Well yes, but it just gets worse. Have you seen this?’ Steve handed his phone across the bar to Johnny who read the headline from Wales Online.

‘Dog owner spots Jesus in her puppy's ear while giving him a bath’ Johnny laughed and handed the phone back to Steve.

‘It’s no laughing matter,’ Steve said, looking seriously annoyed. ‘What is wrong with these people? Do they really think that a shape in their cornflakes is Jesus Christ our lord?’

‘Dog’s ear’ Johnny said.

‘What?’ Steve looked even more annoyed for being interrupted.

‘It was in the dog’s ear not cornflakes.’ Johnny said.

‘You know what I mean,’ Steve said, indignation oozing from his voice.

Johnny smiled, sat back and allowed Steve to enter full rant mode.

‘Why always Jesus? These people have no idea what Jesus looks like but every time there is a vague shape in their ice cream they decide it’s the face of Robert Powell, why not Elvis, or Andy Murray or Mrs Jones from 3 doors down who died last week?’

Steve took a mouthful of ale.

‘And let’s just suppose for one moment it is Jesus, what the hell is he doing there? You can imagine the conversation between him and his dad can’t you.

            “Hey son I think it is time you reappeared to let the people on earth know that they are completely misinterpreting your story.”

            “Aw dad! Do I have to? No one took me seriously when I appeared on that piece of toast or in that man's beer.”

            “Maybe you should go back as a person this time then.”

            “What and be laughed at like when I took over the body of the Coventry City goal keeper?”

            “Hmm true, I knew we should have gone for Steve Orgrizovic rather than David bloody Icke. Hmm Okay. Ahh I’ve got it, how about you go back as a shape inside a dog’s ear?”

            “What? Are you mad? No way.”

            “Um who’s God around here?”

Johnny laughed, he’d never seen Steve so animated.

‘And I wonder what the poor journalist must have be thinking. Look it says agency staff, they didn’t even want to put their name to it. They must have thought she was a muppet but they have to keep a straight face because no doubt she genuinely believes it is Jesus, and of course they have to fill pages and pages of column inches.’

“Shame it wasn’t in both ears.’ Johnny said.

‘Why’s that? Steve looked at his mate quizzically.

‘Well then it would obviously have been a sign. Dog’s ears are an anagram of god’s arse which is exactly what this woman is talking out of.’

Steve smiled and got up to go to the bar. He needed another beer, he’d just about had enough of humanity for one day.

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