Wednesday 30 December 2015

First Record - A Steve Rant

For audio click here
“Hey, have you seen that what was number one on your birthday meme doing the rounds on Facebook?” Johnny asked.
“Oh god, I hate that crap,” Steve replied and took a swig of beer.
“Which means you’ve tried it and yours was lame?” Johnny knew he was poking a bear with a stick, but he didn’t care.
“No, it means it’s a complete and utter waste of time, and yes I’ve tried it and mine was lame.”
“I knew it! What was it?” Johnny said.
“I honestly can’t remember,” Steve said.
 “Liar! Mine is cool, it was Hendrix, Voodoo Child.” Johnny looked pleased as punch.
“But it doesn’t define you, does it? Just because a cool song was number one on the day you were born doesn’t make you cool. No offence like.”
“Well it helps,” Johnny said. “What was yours?”
 “I’ll tell you another thing that annoys me,” Steve said ignoring the question, “it’s that,  what was the first record you ever bought conversation.”
“Why? Were you lame with that too?”
“I was eight years old! Of course it was lame.” Steve said. “And anyway anyone who claims theirs wasn’t, is either lying or lucky.”
“What was it?” Johnny was almost bouncing in his seat.
“How was I supposed to know that that was a seminal moment? It didn’t feel like a seminal moment; it felt like an eight-year-old spending his pocket money. I didn’t know that thirty-five years later I would be judged on my juvenile music taste. No one asks you what was the first sweet you ever bought or your first comic, do they?”
“What was yours?” Johnny asked.
“There was eight-year-old me, going down to Christopher’s Record Store on the High Street clutching my pound, looking through the top forty deciding what to buy. I was completely unaware that the decision would either set me on the path to being cool or put a life-time of ridicule ahead of me.”  Steve took a swig. “No one told me to get a Bowie single or the latest Bob Marley track just so that in the future music snobs wouldn’t sneer at me.”
“What was it?” Johnny pleaded.
“Well, I could have gone for Ian Dury, Blondie, Sham 69, Elvis Costello Pump it up, Blue Oyster Cult Don’t Fear the Reaper, they were in the charts that week and Patti Smith Because the Night, but oh no I ignored all of them.”
Steve looked genuinely distraught, Johnny almost felt sorry for him, almost.
“So come on, what was it?”
“I’m not telling you?” Steve said,  and got up to go to the bar.
Johnny got his phone out and tapped on the screen. A smile spread across his face; Steve had given too much away.
As Steve approached with the two full pints, Johnny began to sing.

“Fuck off,” said Steve, “I was eight years old.”


2 comments:

  1. haha:-) love it:-)

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  2. Petra Goláňová2 January 2016 at 14:23

    "How was I supposed to know that that was a seminal moment? It didn’t feel like a seminal moment; it felt like an eight-year-old spending his pocket money. I didn’t know that thirty-five years later I would be judged on my juvenile music taste. No one asks you what was the first sweet you ever bought or your first comic, do they?”

    ReplyDelete